I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
