i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
