all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
