Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
