OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
