it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
