Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
