how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
