Sry I called you an 8
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
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