Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
