I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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