well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
