I'm lost and stupid without you.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
