How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
