There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
