Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
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