I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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