Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
