It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
