Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Randomize
