I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
