Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
