Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
