If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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