just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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