She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
