Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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