i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
