i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
my phone needs a breathalizer
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
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