We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
