i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
