Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Someone signed my nipple.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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