I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
