I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Randomize
