remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
