I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
