Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
God I need to hump something, right now.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
