I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
