dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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