I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
