I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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