Ketchup is God's man juice
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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