you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
