call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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