you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
