I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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