my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
