oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Randomize
