I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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