If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
