I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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