life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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