I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
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