the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
