Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
the liver wants what the liver wants
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
