Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Randomize
