i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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